Giving Thanks in 2013

Image by None via CrunchBase

OK, so Thanksgiving was a month ago.  As we close 2013, we'd like to salute (backhanded and otherwise) some of the people and events that made this year what it was.  So in the spirit of all those award-show acceptance speeches:

We'd like to thank . . .

• Edward Snowden.  For years we've wondered if Big Brother was watching us.  Because of classified documents Snowden has released under dubious circumstances, we have our answer.  They are watching us.
• Pope Francis.  In the short time that he's been pontiff, he's been saying things about social matters that makes the Catholic Church seem less stuffy.  Wonder how long that'll last?
• Pope Benedict for getting out before being carried out.
• Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, for proving that Americans do not hold a monopoly on sex-crazed and drug-addicted politicians.
• Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer, for helping influence people like Ford.
• Republicans in Congress, who brought the nation to its knees in ridiculous arguments over raising the debt ceiling and trying to kill the Affordable Care Act.
• the government healthcare website, which was so screwed up that they affected President Obama's job approval rating.
• Michele Bachmann for raising the national IQ with her announcement that she's not running for Congress again.
• Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, for picking up where Bachmann left off.
• Miley Cyrus, who proved that twerking, sticking out her tongue and getting naked with a wrecking ball is a great way to remind folks that she's not Hannah Montana any more.
• Robin Thicke, for reminding a new generation of what a Marvin Gaye song sounded like.  Unfortunately, so do attorneys who represent the Gaye estate, who are suing him.
• law enforcement officials who shut down the city of Boston, in search of the suspect allegedly involved in the Boston Marathon bombing.  It was more like Boston strong-arm tactics.
• Syrian dictator Bashir al-Assad for seeing the Arab Spring as his chance to declare war on his own citizens, while classifying his opponents as terrorists.
• the states that have so far approved same-sex marriage, whether through the ballot box or  judicial fiat.  It may not be something Phil Robertson of TV's "Duck Dynasty" approves of, but we have become so used to gays and lesbians that who really gives a quack?
• the former director of Minnesota's health insurance exchange, for being an example of why it's never a good time to take a vacation when you're in the public eye.
• George, the newborn son of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Great.  Another royal family member the tabloid media can swoon over for the rest of this century.
• Paula Deen for learning there is no recipe for undoing the damage the N word can do.
• Jennifer Lawrence for proving you don't need to watch the "Hunger Games" movies to see what a good actress she's becoming.
• the Kardashians for being the kind of family few want to keep up with.
• Kanye West for being his humorless, self-important self.  However, he did do us a favor by not overexposing his baby by partner Kim Kardashian, and for naming her North instead of something that starts with the letter K.
• Lara Logan, who took a few too many lessons from Dan Rather in how to mess up "60 Minutes'" reputation.
• Ray Price, Nelson Mandela, Joan Fontaine, George Jones, Jean Stapleton, James Gandolfini, Tom Laughlin, Peter O'Toole, Lou Reed, Esther Williams, Cory Monteith, Sylvia Browne, Tom Clancy, Marcia Wallace, Karen Black, Eileen Brennan, Dennis Farina, Joyce Brothers, Jonathan Winters, Bonnie Franklin, Annette Funicello, Elmore Leonard, Vince Flynn, Eydie Gorme, Ray Manzarek, Phil Ramone, Richie Havens, Margaret Thatcher, Ed Koch, David Frost, Helen Thomas, Roger Ebert, Pauline Phillips (the original Dear Abby) . . . just for being here.
• you the reader.  Thanks for finding us.  Please visit again.