The Opening Day School Assembly

Image via Wikipedia"Welcome to the first day of classes at Springborn Senior High.  I'm your principal, Ms. Armstrong-Grovnor.  Before we send you  to your rooms for the start of the school year, I have a few announcements to make.

"First, the district made some decisions last spring that will enable us to save some money.  One of them was to close the other high school, so when you go to your classrooms, everyone will be sitting two to a desk.

"Second, your new textbooks haven't arrived yet.  The board decided to change the content a little bit.  For example, science textbooks now discusses how God created the earth in six days.  And history books will include a new interpretation of Christopher Columbus, which says that he did not actually discover America.  Instead, he and his ships fell off the face of the earth because it was flat.

"Third, we've discovered that most of you are overweight.  So we've replaced the soft drinks in the vending machines with bottled water and fruit juices.  We've also hired a new food service director who used to work at the local health food store, and she's in charge of the menu.  Tofu Surprise, anyone?

"Class, I see some of you are sleeping.  It couldn't be that we started at 7:15, is it?

"Moving right along . . . We have a new computer lab in the school next to the library.  We couldn't afford high-speed Internet, so be patient with the dial-up.  And we must thank the people at Roger's Bargain Bin for their generous donation of Atari and Commodore computers.

"We've had to let some fine instructors go this past year.  So the remaining staff will be taking turns teaching one class after another regardless of subject.

"We know that physical exercise is important.  But since the board eliminated gym classes and most of our athletic programs, except for the soccer teams, we encourage you to walk around the halls as much as you can between classes.

"These are challenging times we face here at Springborn High.  But with your help and cooperation, we can get through this school year just fine.  Well, that's all I have to say.  Everyone will quietly go to their rooms now."