Monday NIght Mess

In a game delayed by heavy rain and lightning, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Miami Dolphins somehow managed to play a football game at Heinz Field in a quagmire. The two teams nearly sloshed through four quarters scoreless (something that hasn't happened since 1943, in the Era of Bad Football a.k.a. World War II) before the Steelers kicked a field goal with seconds left to win 3-0.

The word quagmire can also be used to describe the state of "Monday Night Football" since ESPN took over the games from ABC. To wit:

• Being on cable, MNF no longer has the prestige matchup of the week (now belonging to NBC on Sunday nights), although it must be said that the problem began when ABC still had the games.
• Tony Kornheiser, co-host of Pardon the Interruption, was brought into the booth to back up Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski as the 21st century Howard Cosell. Kornheiser sometimes acts as if he doesn't want to be there. Then again, Cosell acted that way too.
• Speaking of the booth, too many celebrities drop by to plug their latest projects (whether it has anything to do with Disney-related properties or not) and distract us from what's going on the field. They might get away with it if the game were a blowout, though.
• Chris Berman's "Fastest Three Minutes" halftime segment has turned into a joke, speeding up kick returns and touchdown passes as if the Road Runner was gunning it past Wile E. Coyote. He still makes room for highlights of the (mercifully not speeded up) Grey Cup championship in Canadian football, won by the Saskatchewan Roughriders this year.
• What is Stuart Scott doing there?
• Remember the winning field goal we told you about? ESPN imitated Fox by "framing" (if you can think of a better term, we'd love to hear it) the opposing coaches on either sides of the goalposts, as if the coaches are the stars of the game instead of the players on the field. At the risk of giving them ideas, at least they haven't ruined a 100-yard kickoff return by cutting to a low-angle shot so we can't see whether the player got into the end zone or not. Fox does it all the time.

But MNF isn't the only place where ESPN ruins everything it touches. They've branched out into movies, reality shows and poker tournaments in place of live sports. PTI is one of their most popular shows, but viewers have to sit through 15-20 minutes of Sportscenter just to get to the Big Finish. They've swallowed up ABC Sports to the point where it's now called "ESPN on ABC". And eating contests are considered sports?

That's how it is on the Worldwide Leader in Sports: Promote the heck out of a game, show off a little flash during the telecast, and we'll worry about the details later, like how the game turned out--so long as people watch.

Have no worries for ABC, as they have found that there is life beyond Monday Night Football. They replaced it with Dancing With The Stars, which has become the top-rated program on prime-time TV this fall. This season's champ is race-car driver Helio Castoneves and his partner, outpointing once-and-future Spice Girl Melanie Brown and her partner. But we were more interested in football players doing their dance on a sloppy field in Pittsburgh.