Monday NIght Mess

In a game delayed by heavy rain and lightning, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Miami Dolphins somehow managed to play a football game at Heinz Field in a quagmire. The two teams nearly sloshed through four quarters scoreless (something that hasn't happened since 1943, in the Era of Bad Football a.k.a. World War II) before the Steelers kicked a field goal with seconds left to win 3-0.

The word quagmire can also be used to describe the state of "Monday Night Football" since ESPN took over the games from ABC. To wit:

• Being on cable, MNF no longer has the prestige matchup of the week (now belonging to NBC on Sunday nights), although it must be said that the problem began when ABC still had the games.
• Tony Kornheiser, co-host of Pardon the Interruption, was brought into the booth to back up Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski as the 21st century Howard Cosell. Kornheiser sometimes acts as if he doesn't want to be there. Then again, Cosell acted that way too.
• Speaking of the booth, too many celebrities drop by to plug their latest projects (whether it has anything to do with Disney-related properties or not) and distract us from what's going on the field. They might get away with it if the game were a blowout, though.
• Chris Berman's "Fastest Three Minutes" halftime segment has turned into a joke, speeding up kick returns and touchdown passes as if the Road Runner was gunning it past Wile E. Coyote. He still makes room for highlights of the (mercifully not speeded up) Grey Cup championship in Canadian football, won by the Saskatchewan Roughriders this year.
• What is Stuart Scott doing there?
• Remember the winning field goal we told you about? ESPN imitated Fox by "framing" (if you can think of a better term, we'd love to hear it) the opposing coaches on either sides of the goalposts, as if the coaches are the stars of the game instead of the players on the field. At the risk of giving them ideas, at least they haven't ruined a 100-yard kickoff return by cutting to a low-angle shot so we can't see whether the player got into the end zone or not. Fox does it all the time.

But MNF isn't the only place where ESPN ruins everything it touches. They've branched out into movies, reality shows and poker tournaments in place of live sports. PTI is one of their most popular shows, but viewers have to sit through 15-20 minutes of Sportscenter just to get to the Big Finish. They've swallowed up ABC Sports to the point where it's now called "ESPN on ABC". And eating contests are considered sports?

That's how it is on the Worldwide Leader in Sports: Promote the heck out of a game, show off a little flash during the telecast, and we'll worry about the details later, like how the game turned out--so long as people watch.

Have no worries for ABC, as they have found that there is life beyond Monday Night Football. They replaced it with Dancing With The Stars, which has become the top-rated program on prime-time TV this fall. This season's champ is race-car driver Helio Castoneves and his partner, outpointing once-and-future Spice Girl Melanie Brown and her partner. But we were more interested in football players doing their dance on a sloppy field in Pittsburgh.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot LIke . . . Well, You Know

Welcome to the holiday season. You'll notice that it actually began the day you got your catalogues in the mail. Or maybe it was the day after Halloween.

Ever since the corporate takeover of Christmas, Mr. Ho Ho Ho and his reindeer (we can't use the gentleman's actual name for legal reasons) have overshadowed every other holiday at this time of year.

Take Thanksgiving. If it weren't for football, turkey and food you'd normally avoid the rest of the year, Thanksgiving would be one of those federal holidays with no mail delivery, and the kids would be in school. What wouldn't change is that it would still be a day of mourning for Native Americans.

Instead, what we hear about is Black Friday, that day after Thanksgiving when all the malls and big box stores open as early as 4 a.m., so you can buy your Uncle Bob or Aunt Martha a budget-priced trinket they'll take back to the store the day after Christmas for something they really wanted. Then there's Cyber Monday, where many of the same items can be bought with a click of the . . . well, we can't use that name either. Both of these events are used as harbingers of current economic trends. Right now, with high gas prices and people losing their homes due to mortgages being messed up, business isn't good.

There is no escape from holiday music, whether you're in the mall, in the car or at home. In the Twin Cities alone, two FM radio stations (owned by CBS and Clear Channel, no less) chuck their usual formats to go 24/7 on Christmas music recorded mostly in the 1950s. Let's just say that if you really want to get suspected terrorists to talk, then play this stuff and they'll confess. And they said waterboarding is an instrument of torture.

Big Charity gets into high gear at this time of year, shaming people out of their hard-earned money (with the promise of a tax break) to fund some executive's new Ferrari and/or private resort vacation, or a corrupt dictator under the guise of helping your fellow man. Their partners in the news media make sure kettles become pots of gold, empty food shelves are miraculously filled, and no child is left behind without a toy--which makes you wonder if the process is rigged. Conflicts of interest prevent the news media from keeping the charities on the straight and narrow.

We're not trying to be Scrooge--oops, I mean a character from a Dickens novel. It's just that the reason we have the holiday season in the first place has gotten lost in all the cynicism and commercialism. According to a certain holy book, a baby boy was born in Bethlehem to a couple named Joseph and Mary over 2,000 years ago. That boy grew up to become one of the most influential figures in world history, and continues to be to this day.

And that is why we have Christmas.

P.S. We had a little meeting and decided not to use any of the terms related to the baby boy in the previous paragraph. We weren't sure whether we'd get sued for trademark infringement by some religious or political organization, so it's best to leave things alone.

A New Bonds Watch

Barry Bonds, who surpassed Hank Aaron's home run record this past season under suspicion of being a steroid user, may be spending the next 30 years wearing a prison uniform instead of a baseball uniform.

Bonds, who has always denied using performance-enhancing drugs and has never been publicly tested positive, was indicted by a federal grand jury for perjury and obstructing justice for allegedly lying about his use.

He is the main figure in a probe concerning athletes who may or may not have gotten performance-enhancing supplements from BALCO (Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative). Marion Jones, whose name was linked to the case, pleaded guilty to lying about her steroid use and has given back the track and field medals she won at the 2000 Olympic Games.

Other sports, most notably cycling, have been damaged by alleged steroid use. Floyd Landis was forced to give up his 2006 Tour de France title when he was tested positive. And there have always been questions about Lance Armstrong, who has denied for years that he used performance-enhancing drugs to dominate the Tour.

The media--for whom Bonds has seldom given the time of day--has been rushing to judgment in declaring him guilty as charged. Those people should remember that an indictment doesn't mean Bonds is guilty--any lawyer can tell you that--and that he will have a chance to explain himself in federal court.

Major League Baseball, which has aided and abetted this situation to get fans back into the ballpark after the 1994 strike killed the World Series, is nervously awaiting not only the Bonds verdict, but a report due out next month by former Senator George Mitchell that might link more players to alleged steroid use.

Bonds, whether he was using or not, has a career total of 762 home runs. The ball which he hit number 756 now belongs to a guy who wants to send it to the Baseball Hall of Fame with an asterisk printed on it. Bonds was dropped at the end of the 2007 season by the San Francisco Giants, and his chances of appearing in another uniform at age 43 were iffy even before his indictment.

Yes, records are made to be broken, and we don't have to like the person who does this. Barry Bonds, whether or not he is found guilty, represents the conundrum we face: Should we cheer someone who will do anything to win by any means necessary, whether it's legal or not? And how much stock should we put in our records, anyway?

Shock Jock Update

• Don Imus, who is returning to radio on December 3 on New York's WABC-AM, will have his TV simulcast back. According to Associated Press (via ABC News' website), the lucky network (if you can call it that) is RFD-TV, seen mostly on satellite in 30 million homes, which will carry the program twice a day. RFD, which programs to rural audiences with ratings blockbusters such as "The Cattle Show", "National Tractor Pulling" and the "Largent and Sons Hereford Cattle Auction", sounds like a curious choice for Imus to make his comeback (see: the NHL on Versus). But then again, Imus has his corporate-sponsored charity ranch in New Mexico that he used to plug on the air, so it isn't too much of a stretch. Will RFD launch a campaign to get cable companies to carry the network, duplicating the success of the NFL Network and the Big Ten Network? Or will we notice it only when Imus says something really stupid and gets fired again?
• Much has been said and written in the Twin Cities media about Tom Barnard (who, like Imus, is now a Citadel Broadcasting employee) and his KQRS (92.5 FM) Morning Crew offending Native Americans with their crude comments, and why they should go off the air. In this case, more is being said than done. Barnard and his minions aren't going anywhere, and KQ isn't going to do anything to them. They have the most popular show on Twin Cities radio (driving guys like Imus and Howard Stern out of the market), making oodles of money for the station and for Citadel, so they could afford to hire the best attorneys to beat back any challenge from minority groups who complain about the content. Meanwhile, the attitude at KQ seems to be: If you don't like it, turn it off.

Meanwhile, Back in Washington . . .

• Pakistan, a major front in President Bush's War on Terror (some would say it's the front), is in turmoil. Right now, a state of emergency declared by President Pervez Musharraf has brought crackdowns on protesters and shutting down the opposition media, in a last-ditch attempt to hold on to power. See, Musharraf's approval ratings in his country are on a par with Bush's in this one. Unlike W., the Pakistani leader has the military on his side, refusing to let go in the face of upcoming elections there (which he promises will take place). Getting almost as much attention is opposition leader Benazir Bhutto, the former prime minister who is under house arrest to prevent her from leading demonstrations to protest the regime. Bhutto's being portrayed in the international media as the savior of her country, if you choose to overlook her corrupt past and the indictments hanging over her head. The United States had a history during the Cold War of backing dictators based on the rationale of "Well, at least they're not Communist" while their people suffer. In the case of Musharraf, that can be updated to "Well, at least they don't support terrorism". So the White House, along with the rest of us, will just have to wait and see how all this plays out in a country where nuclear weapons and Osama bin Laden are believed to be.
• The White House has also been making noise about picking a fight with Iran over its nuclear program. When you already have two wars going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, costing at least a trillion dollars while vetoing social programs passed by a Democratic Congress, it's irresponsible for Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney to conjure up visions of World War III when their own terms are up just over a year from now. They're great at starting wars. But not so great at getting out of them.
• The new Attorney General is Michael Mukasey, whose views on the practice of waterboarding are still unknown despite an intense grilling by the Senate Judiciary Committee. Apparently, the culture of torturing your enemy and spying on your neighbor has been passed from John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales to Mukasey.

Throw Out The Scripts

The Writers Guild of America's strike against movie studios and TV networks has been going on for a week now, with everyone expecting it to go as long as the one in 1988, which was five months. The main sticking point seems to be over compensation for new media (DVDs, the Internet, etc.), for which the writers get nada.

The strike has cast a shadow over the current TV season, with late-night talk shows being the first to go into reruns. NBC unwittingly saved a lot of energy during its "Green Week" by not airing new episodes of Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien and "Saturday Night Live".

Fox has already announced that the next chapter of "24" has been pushed back to 2009, on the theory that half a season is not good enough for Jack Bauer freaks.

Other than that, folks might not notice there's a strike going on until January or February, and that's when things might really get interesting. Prime time shows will run out of fresh episodes. You might as well replace the soaps with infomercials. Awards shows will be affected because stars won't cross the picket lines. The race for the White House might change because Leno, Letterman, Stewart and Colbert won't be around to comment on it (and just where do you think some people are getting their news these days?). Reality shows and newsmagazines will rule the tube even though, contrary to popular belief, they do employ writers.

As for the movies, enough product has been written and filmed to last at least through next summer. If the strike drags on, there will be fewer flicks at the local multiplex a year from now.

We're not siding with either labor or management. But doesn't it seem as if, whenever there's a labor dispute in an important industry, both sides secretly want a strike, so they don't try very hard to avoid one?

The writers, studios and networks have more to lose now because entertainment options have changed since 1988. Besides the Internet and DVDs, you have video on cell phones, music to download (legitimately, of course) and videogames to play. So who needs "How I Met Your Mother"?

When the strike is eventually settled (and the directors and actors are taken care of in their new agreements), one thing is for certain: The studios and networks will simply pass on the cost to the consumer in the form of higher prices for DVDs and downloads. So going on strike does have its benefits--except for the ones who end up paying for it.

Off The Sidelines

Michele Tafoya, normally roaming the sidelines for ESPN's "Monday Night Football", is doing some sweeps-month moonlighting for WCCO, the Twin Cities-based CBS station where she got her start as a sports reporter before the networks called.

Here Tafoya did a story on infertility, briefly chronicling her own struggle with it (being that she's in her late child-bearing years) as well as interviewing some couples who are going through the same thing. Tafoya and her husband were rewarded for their efforts with a baby boy. Other couples, we must emphasize, may not be as fortunate.

(But don't take my word for it. See the report for yourself at wcco.com)

WCCO gets a big rap on the head for misleading advertising. In promoting the story, they made it look like poor Michele was lost and depressed while holding a teddy bear, wondering if the baby she longed for will ever come. That's just not true. Anyone who watched the final season of "Monday Night Football" on ABC in 2005 could see how far along Tafoya was getting, before she had to go on maternity leave. The way WCCO promoted the story was dishonest and insulted the intelligence of viewers who knew the truth.

As for Tafoya (who, let's face it, could pass for co-anchor Amelia Santaniello' s kid sister), it sounds as if she's ready to ditch sports for a new gig as a lifestyle reporter. The reports she's doing now for WCCO might also be doubling as an audition tape for network executives at "Today" or "Good Morning America". If that's the case, then she's off to a good start.

Getting Late Early, Part 2: The Candidates

Previously on BDC, we told you about all the jockeying by the states to move up their primaries earlier and earlier. Now we give you a rundown (and runover) of the people who have raised enough money to participate in this madness.

First, the Republicans, who have an unpopular war and an unpopular President to contend with:

• Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor The GOP frontrunner is still basking in the afterglow of being "America's Mayor" six years after the 9/11 attacks, to the point of being Johnny One-Note. But to longtime residents of New York City, Giuliani is anything but a hero (just ask the firefighters). His abrasive manner in running the city, coupled with his multiple marriages, leave doubts among conservatives (and others) about how morally capable he is in running the country. Plus it sounds like Giuliani would continue President George W. Bush's policies, at least in national security.
• John McCain, Senator from Arizona Being the former Vietnam POW that he is, it comes as no surprise that he supports the troop increase in Iraq. For a supposed moderate everyone fell for back in 2000, he's been bending over backwards trying to appeal to conservatives. But they don't seem to care for him either. Here's a question people really should be asking: Does anyone out there think McCain is too old to be president?
• Mitt Romney, former Massachusetts governor Now here's someone conservatives can really get behind, except he flip-flops when it comes to hot-button issues such as abortion and stem cell research (he's against both right now). The fact that Romney is Mormon might hurt his chances with the religious right, mainly because to those of us who live outside Utah, Mormons are a mystery.
• Fred Thompson, former Senator from Tennessee The conservatives' other knight in shining armor, best known to the rest of us for playing a district attorney on TV's "Law & Order". Recent media accounts paint Thompson, who didn't announce his candidacy until September, as less than gung-ho about this star-making role than his wife is. Still, if it can work for another actor turned President . . .
• The longshot is Mike Huckabee, former Arkansas governor who has two claims to fame: (1)He was born in Hope, the same place Bill Clinton came from, and (2)he lost 110 pounds. Other than that, he's a complete unknown.

Now for the Democrats, one year removed from winning majorities in both the House and Senate, only to shamefully squander it by kowtowing to President Bush.

• Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator from New York As the Democratic frontrunner, Clinton has the best resume and name recognition of all the candidates, having once been First Lady. She's also the one with the biggest target on her back: Her husband, former President Bill Clinton, is both an asset and a liability. And she'll never live down her original vote to authorize the war in Iraq, then refusing to denounce it.
• Barack Obama, Senator from Illinois What we know about him so far is that he's younger than most of the other candidates, has a biracial background, and that he's opposed the war in Iraq from day one. That's pretty much it. He has yet to distinguish himself on the issues, or to convince others that he can overcome his lack of political experience. Is Obama too bland to be president?
• John Edwards, former Senator from North Carolina He's back for another shot after being John Kerry's running mate in 2004. This time, besides dusting off his "Two Americas" campaign speech, Edwards is so far the only candidate to apologize for approving the Iraq war. One wonders how committed Edwards is to campaigning when his wife Elizabeth is dying of cancer.
• Longshots Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, former vice-president Al Gore (if he decides to run) and Ohio representative Dennis Kucinich (who introduced a bill to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. Good luck with that one.).

Of course, if you don't like any of these choices, there's always Michael Bloomberg. The current mayor of New York City declared himself an independent (he used to be a Republican), and might decide to run on a third-party ticket.

Let the winnowing process begin.

Getting Late Early, Part 1: Primaries and Caucuses

In a year from now, Americans will be asked to decide who deserves to succeed George W. Bush as President of the United States (unless he decides to declare a national emergency and suspend the election. But let's leave that aside for now.).

This is the first time since 1952 that neither the current occupant of the White House nor his running mate is seeking re-election, which means that every Tom, Dick or Harriet has thrown their hats into the ring. Even late night comedian Stephen Colbert has jumped into the fray (meaning he needs something to do with a writers' strike looming besides selling his book), staging a fake campaign in South Carolina--that is, until the Democrats tossed him off their primary ballot.

Not a week goes by without some kind of debate (or joint appearance, if you prefer), poll, or some report on how much money the candidates have been raising and who's been giving it to them. Speaking of polls, right now they have the appearance of pre-season rankings in college football and basketball.

And here's why: The primaries are getting earlier and earlier. States that believed they were getting the short end of the stick in the nomination process (that is, the candidates' nominations have been locked up by the time they start campaigning in those states) have been rescheduling their primaries/caucuses weeks and months earlier than normal. This has led to what amounts to a national primary in early February, led by California. Florida got whacked by the Democrats for scheduling its primary for late January.

In retaliation, Iowa and New Hampshire--who apparently believe that being first in the nation is their birthright, and no one knows why that is--have moved theirs up even earlier. Iowa is holding its caucus just after the New Year, while New Hampshire wants to move theirs to next month.

The upshot of all this ridiculous leapfrogging is a yawning gap between the end of the primaries in February and the nominating conventions in August and September. That's six months, folks. You think you're sick of politics now? Just wait.

The situation cries out for reform of the nominating process, maybe streamlining it a little bit. With Congress and the country divided as it is, that's not going to happen.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the many attack ads that will be coming from your TV and your computer in the next year. It just doesn't get any better than this.

Imus Returns To The Morning

A follow-up to the Tom Barnard situation: According to an Associated Press story published on MSNBC's web site, Don Imus is returning to the radio airwaves. Citadel Broadcasting, to whom Disney sold most of its stations and the ABC Radio Networks, has hired Imus to take over the morning drive program on New York's WABC-AM starting December 3. No word yet on a syndication deal.

Imus, you'll recall, was fired from his radio and TV jobs last spring for making racially insensitive comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team. This created a national debate over who can say what to whom without being publicly flogged for it.

Like Barnard, Imus had been getting away with questionable humor for many years, as long as the ratings were high and the money was rolling in. Unlike Barnard, Imus attracted guests from Washington and the news media, lending an air of credibility to what he was doing.

Apparently, Citadel (along with most of the radio establishment) felt that Imus has been rehabilitated enough. He'll fit right in with the other conservative talkers on WABC-AM: Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham.

No other talk show host in America will be as scrutinized as Imus will be in the next few weeks. He can apologize all he wants for the hurt he has caused, but now he will have to earn the listening audience's trust and forgiveness.

UPDATE (1/23/18):  Imus recently announced that his 45-year broadcasting career will end at the end of March.  He's 77 now, and reports are that his departure has more to do with WABC-AM's current owner Cumulus going through bankruptcy, meaning they're trying to get out from under some money-losing contracts they can no longer afford.  They might even sell a few stations if it comes to that.  But whatever you think of Imus, it's still a loss for radio.

UPDATE (12/28/19):  After a long and controversial career in radio, Don Imus passed away December 27 at the age of 79.

Cumulus has pretty much gotten out of the New York radio market, having sold most of its stations.  WABC-AM was sold to a local New York company.