Yes, We Live In a Cave (With Basic Cable)

Notice to all those who obsess over "The Sopranos" (and that includes the constant speculation and post-mortems in various media):

There's a vast majority of us out here who honestly don't care whether Tony Soprano lives or dies. That's because we have standard/basic cable and satellite, and HBO is too expensive for our taste.

We could have bought the DVD, but some of us don't think the sex, profanity and mob violence makes it worth the money.

On the other hand, the reruns on A&E aren't worth watching without the sex, profanity and mob violence. It insults our intelligence knowing that basic cable, longing to do what HBO and Showtime does every day, ends up looking like network television.

Now that "The Sopranos" is over with, would it be too much to ask not to give so much publicity to shows we can't watch?

The Not-So-Simple Life

We realize there are other things going on in the world:

• There are now over 3,500 soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq.
• "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to two and a half years in prison for essentially being the fall guy in the Valerie Plame affair, with the bigger fish getting away and Plame's life in danger.
• An American lawyer, currently holed up in a Denver hospital with tuberculosis, endangers countless lives because he chose to ignore the strong hints from government and medical officials that maybe he and his new bride shouldn't be traveling.

But all that is being swept aside, at least on the cable news channels, for earth-shattering news: Paris Hilton--hotel heiress, reality TV personality, and unwitting star of a sex tape--is behind bars.

The hotel heiress was sentenced to 45 days in a Los Angeles county jail for violating her probation in an alcohol-related conviction, with the possibility of getting out in 23 days for good behavior.

After three days, however, Hilton was moved out of jail and back into her home to serve out the rest of her sentence, citing an "undisclosed medical condition". The backlash was swift, with much criticism over the type of justice celebrities and the well-connected receive compared to you and me. Even professional rabble-rouser Rev. Al Sharpton flew out to the West Coast to weigh in on this one.

A judge corrected this potentially embarrassing mistake by ordering Hilton back into jail, and this time serve her full sentence. She was led away in handcuffs, sobbing "It's not fair!"

(To give Hilton the benefit of a doubt for only a moment--and this is just speculation--her "undisclosed medical condition" may be more than just a case of not being willing to do the time. There might be a real problem here.)

Is it just coincidence or just plain karma that Hilton and other well-known party girls such as Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie are having problems with the law at the same time, which also have something to do with drinking and driving? They are also risking their lives in other ways that aren't clear to us at the moment.

Let's just say there's not a lot of sympathy for any of them right now.

Ducks Swim In Stanley Cup

The Anaheim Ducks may not be owned by Disney any more (they were sold a couple of years ago), but Donald Duck might have appreciated how they fought and battled their way to their first NHL Stanley Cup victory, defeating the Ottawa Senators in five games.

Led by the goaltending of J.S. Giguere and the goal scoring of Teemu Selanne, Justin Penner, Dean McAmmond and others, the Ducks survived the tepid Ottawa offense and the suspension of resident tough guy Chris Pronger (for putting the elbow on McAmmond in Game 3) for one game. Having seen them do the same thing to the Minnesota Wild in the first round, this does not come as a big shock.

What also didn't come as a big shock was the predictably abysmal TV ratings the Stanley Cup finals got, first on Versus and later NBC. Game 3 on the Peacock tied for the lowest-rated prime time program in history with a 2005 rerun of "The West Wing".

(In Minnesota, the playoffs did well in the local ratings, which is what you would expect in the State of Hockey. But they were all outpointed by Minnesota Twins games on FSN North, and most of them were replays of afternoon games. That's right. Taped baseball did better than playoff hockey.)

At least NBC tried to spice things up with an appearance by Don Cherry, the flame-throwing commentator on CBC's "Hockey Night In Canada", in Game 4. Dressed up like Colonel Sanders (minus the bucket of chicken), Cherry advocated more fighting as a way for the NHL to attract more American TV viewers. This is why, with idiotic comments like that one (others are much stronger), the CBC puts a delay on Cherry's between-periods segment. NBC must have heard enough, because Cherry wasn't around for Game 5.

The Ducks are the third consecutive Sunbelt-based team to win the Stanley Cup (Tampa Bay and Carolina are the others), while a Canadian-based team hasn't won one since the 1992-93 Montreal Canadiens. Who's next? Phoenix? San Jose? Atlanta?

NBA Finals: Not Boring Again

In a season marked by on-court brawls, synthetic basketballs, high draft picks going to teams in the Pacific Northwest, and college coaches who change their minds about coaching a pro team, it has all come down to this: Cleveland Cavaliers vs. San Antonio Spurs in the NBA Finals.

Spared the ugly fate of another Spurs-Detroit Pistons final, we now have the dream matchup of Tim Duncan, Robert Horry and Tony Parker going for the Spurs' fourth title against LeBron James--and the rest of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The NBA is happy. Nike is happy. So is ESPN on ABC, which now has something to show besides Parker's fiancee, Eva Longoria of the network's "Desperate Housewives", cheering him on in the stands.

James got his team this far with a historic Game 5 against the Pistons, scoring 48 points in a double-overtime victory for the Cavaliers. He has done something Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers wishes he could do after chasing Shaquille O'Neal all the way to Miami: Take his team to the finals almost by himself, just like Michael Jordan used to do. But where's his Scottie Pippen?

You'll also be hearing a great deal about the city of Cleveland's title drought, going back to the Indians last winning the World Series in 1948 and the (original)Browns capturing the NFL title in the pre-Super Bowl year of 1964. Until James came along, the Cavaliers have been a mostly sorry mess during their history, suffering through bad teams and bad owners.

We think the drought will continue, with the unexciting but experienced Spurs taking care of the Cavaliers in five or six games. But LeBron James will soon have his day.

Terrorists Keep Out! Uh, Never Mind.

Federal authorities arrested three men (and looking for a fourth) in connection with a plot to blow up the fuel tanks at New York's JFK International Airport. The suspects apparently hail from the countries of Guyana and Trinidad. The Feds say the plot, which never got beyond the talking stage, involved blowing up the fuel tanks at the airport, whose lines stretch from there to New Jersey. From what we're told, the devastation would have rivaled that of the events of September 11, 2001.

This follows other similar plots involving a military base in New Jersey and the Sears Tower in Chicago, allegedly dreamed up by wannabe radical groups who didn't have the money, equipment or planning necessary to carry it out.

We are constantly told by the Bush administration that America needs to fight the terrorists in Iraq, so that they won' t come here. Don't bother. They're already here, and they're not necessarily working for Osama bin Laden.

Ding! You Are Now Free to Screw Up a Governor's Name

In our last post, the way we spelled the name of the Governor of California would have gotten national spelling champ Evan O'Dorney (who is from there) gonged.

The correct spelling is: S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-E-G-G-E-R.

Are we good?

Can You Use The Word "Victory" in a Sentence?

Evan O'Dorney of Danville, California beat out 286 contestants to win this year's National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling the word "serrefine", which means small forceps. For his trouble, he (or his parents) get $35,000 cash, a $5,000 scholarship, a $2,500 savings bond, and all the reference books he can handle.

A couple of things:

• Evan is home-schooled, but would be considered an eighth-grader if he attended a public or private school. Don't you think kids like that are sitting ducks for the parents' political and religious leanings instead of being exposed to the world?
• The event was televised by ABC and ESPN, with the championship round presented in prime time. The kids showed a lot of poise for the judges and the TV viewers, but aren't they a little young to be put in that kind of pressure cooker?
• Should Evan be a guest on either Jay Leno's or David Letterman's shows, he'll probably be asked this question: How do you spell the name of California's governor? It is S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-A-G-G-E-R.